求助专家为我的雅思大作文评分
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留学解答资讯网:这是我的最新写的一篇雅思大作文，请求从事雅思教学或者有多次考试经历的朋友帮我评个分。并且麻烦指出不足和可以改进的地方。50分献上！
Topic: In many countries, the population of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society.
Recent years have witnessed the unprecedented proliferation of ongoing population prevalent the world. It is manifest that many countries attach great importance to numerous problems posed by the phenomenon. In this regard, it is my personal belief that negative effects prevail over positive ones.
When it comes to aging population, negative concerns could be categorized into three types: financial burden shouldered by the family, medical service and retirement provisions.
The foremost one is that excessive economic load for working adults. Due to the job market inundated with competition, it is quiet difficult for young people of today to earn their own bread, let alone ensuring the happiness of the remaining life of senior citizens. Therefore, the legal obligation, undoubtedly, lays an increasingly heavy burden on them, materially and spiritually. Another pivotal factor regarding this is the deficiency of medical infrastructure and workforce. Many countries, especially developing ones, restricted by fiscal limit, are reluctant to establish and improve a comprehensive and sophisticated system under most circumstance. Last but not least, that is the crisis caused by the unbalanced allocation of retirement funds. A recent survey conducted by an authorized institution demonstrates that the money spent on provisions for retired citizens occupied a remarkable proportion of the overall fiscal budget in the countries like China, Korea, and US etc, whilst funds concerning this illustrates a trend that will exceeds the amount of tax income (e.g. Japan).
Confronted with all the problems above, the whole society is crying out for reforms on medical mechanism and the structure of workforce and industry in an effective and prompt manner. Complying with the voice of the public or forced by the aggravating status quo, some countries have implemented a list of policies and undergone a few measures like migrating foreign labor force, highlighting service sector, and reinforcing the construction of public medical system, some of which have obtained accomplishment initially. Nevertheless, the resolution of aging population still requires a long and tortuous trial to blaze.
也,写的好嘛.字数肯定超了.我觉得怎么也8分哦。Recent years have witnessed the unprecedented proliferation of ongoing population prevalent the world，我觉得用prevaling all over the world. 还有如果你一开题就摆明老年人口增长问题是不是会更好些。
Topic: In many countries, the population of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society.
Recent years have witnessed the unprecedented proliferation of ongoing population prevalent the world. It is manifest that many countries attach great importance to numerous problems posed by the phenomenon. In this regard, it is my personal belief that negative effects prevail over positive ones.
When it comes to aging population, negative concerns could be categorized into three types: financial burden shouldered by the family, medical service and retirement provisions.
The foremost one is that excessive economic load for working adults. Due to the job market inundated with competition, it is quiet difficult for young people of today to earn their own bread, let alone ensuring the happiness of the remaining life of senior citizens. Therefore, the legal obligation, undoubtedly, lays an increasingly heavy burden on them, materially and spiritually. Another pivotal factor regarding this is the deficiency of medical infrastructure and workforce. Many countries, especially developing ones, restricted by fiscal limit, are reluctant to establish and improve a comprehensive and sophisticated system under most circumstance. Last but not least, that is the crisis caused by the unbalanced allocation of retirement funds. A recent survey conducted by an authorized institution demonstrates that the money spent on provisions for retired citizens occupied a remarkable proportion of the overall fiscal budget in the countries like China, Korea, and US etc, whilst funds concerning this illustrates a trend that will exceeds the amount of tax income (e.g. Japan).
Confronted with all the problems above, the whole society is crying out for reforms on medical mechanism and the structure of workforce and industry in an effective and prompt manner. Complying with the voice of the public or forced by the aggravating status quo, some countries have implemented a list of policies and undergone a few measures like migrating foreign labor force, highlighting service sector, and reinforcing the construction of public medical system, some of which have obtained accomplishment initially. Nevertheless, the resolution of aging population still requires a long and tortuous trial to blaze.
也,写的好嘛.字数肯定超了.我觉得怎么也8分哦。Recent years have witnessed the unprecedented proliferation of ongoing population prevalent the world，我觉得用prevaling all over the world. 还有如果你一开题就摆明老年人口增长问题是不是会更好些。
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